The right path towards my ultimate goal.

I think I should pull myself together and gather my thoughts tightly.
I mean, I just let myself loosen up.
I should not do that.
Thesedays I've just focused on my selfesteem and pride, so
I've just kept boosting myself.
But there's one thing I ignored.
The low selfesteem, harsh attitutde to myself, etc. have been the driving force for me.
I'd kept underestimating me and being unsatisfied with myself, and that helped.

A star instructor, Yoo Soo Yeon said, don't be proud of yourself,
don't be staying where you are.
that's right.
and that's the reason I keep failing losing weights, gathering my life.
Should be the strictest one for myself, again.
Remember last year, lost about 6kg, had my own career and vision.

And one thing's also clear that
I cant do this again only by myself.
Lean on my Father, Lord.

Everything just follows the way HE planned.

Actually, frankly speaking, everything hurting me, bothering me, is what I made by myself. I have no one to blame. It is, and, also irritating me.
I'm easily-crying-kinda person. But thesedays, I don't know why but, my tears have just dried.

It flourished yesterday. The money probs, the fats i've gained and the unwillingness of myself to lose it. These things made me so cry. I hate myself sssso bad. This crying thing was quite helpful but not that much. The thing I wanna say now, the ultimate cure is u know, seeking my Lord.
For about 1 or maybe 2 years, I've just ignored him voluntarily. More specifically, before this period of ignorance, if I had some difficulties i couldn't handle, I sought for him automatically. Of course I felt kinda guilty conscience, that I just prayed when I needed sth. But anyways I had a link with him. But as I ignored him, I just kept ignoring him. And sometimes, I wanted to go back, but the wanting thing is very weak and small so it didn't have any power to drag me to Him. I thought that I might be really lost, really.

But this time, I felt some kinda bonding again, and I desperately know that I should not let it disappear. I should grab it so tight. And I will.

Maybe, no, probably, these times just all are his plans. He has never discarded me and forgotten me. He planned this for me. I feel really relieved. I have Him. so I should go back to him. I want to and I will.
Thank you my Lord, I really do.
And I'm gonna try hard, try my best to go back to the real daughter of you.
Thank you for being my father.
Please make me get closer, much closer to you.

I hate it so muuuuuuuuch

I hate myself without a strong will to pull myself together and stop being stuck in in it, and get outta here.